


Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Wizards

by pessen03



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dating, First Time, Flirting, Fluff, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Romance, UST, Wooing, post—hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2012-07-04
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:29:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pessen03/pseuds/pessen03
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry attempts to woo Draco Malfoy</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Wizards

”You’re obsessing, mate,” Ron said rather tiredly to Harry.

“No, I’m not. Believe me, you would have done the same in my situation.”

“Ha! Hardly. I would not fall for someone like Malfoy and I would certainly not obsess about him. Now let’s get going so we can get done anytime today please.” 

Harry couldn’t argue with that, but he followed with a frown nonetheless.

To be fair, it wasn’t meant to turn out this way. They had all left Hogwarts in the hope of starting their own lives outside school and the world of forced alliances. And yet, somehow, it had followed Harry all the way to London. Of course Malfoy had to apply for a work at the Ministry, why wouldn’t he? It undoubtedly was in the stars for Potter and Malfoy to continue this thing they did. No way would he be any better now, right?

It turned out pretty soon that Harry was indeed wrong. 

He had come the first day prepared for a fight with Malfoy, but was greeted by an unusual cold shoulder. Harry thought it was just a matter of time before he would break down and start picking on him again, but yet again, Harry thought wrong.

Not even when he approached Malfoy did he get a reaction. Malfoy just acknowledged his presence, excused himself and left Harry.

Harry thought that this was without a doubt strange.

It never really became clear what Malfoy’s intent was. Harry had tried to keep his eyes open, for safety’s sake of course. He had also continued to approach Malfoy, or at least tried. It was hard to admit, but Harry was actually missing the provoking and teasing between them.

Now, three years later, Harry had accepted the fact that Malfoy wanted nothing to do with him. He had also accepted, although regrettably, that Malfoy was in fact not up to something wrong. He had also, maybe not accepted but at least understood that he had a crush on Malfoy that just wouldn’t go away. 

Since Malfoy wanted nothing to do with Harry or his attempting at flirting, Harry now spent his days sulking or obsessing about him. Both of which drove his friends insane. 

Harry had to do something. He refused to let Malfoy slip away. He had to get his attention and once he had it, he just had to keep it. 

When Ron noticed Harry’s mind slipping away again he said, exasperated, “Do you still have that book I gave you? The _‘ Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches’_? Just change the witches to wizards and take their advice, it really works, just look at me, I’m married.”

“I…” Harry started. “I have to look that up. Cover for me this afternoon. Thanks, mate, bye!” was all Ron heard before seeing Harry run off. 

***

Harry had in truth lost his copy of the book, but it was still easy enough to find in a bookshop ‘Now let’s see where to start,’ Harry said to himself, looking at the first chapter. 

_Chapter 1: GROOMING- How to look attractive to your partner._ Well, that was pretty understandable, thought Harry, especially when it was about a Malfoy. Not that Harry was shaggy or anything, but he guessed he could do something about the hair.

The next morning, Harry positioned himself at the café in front of the Ministry where he knew Malfoy usually stopped by. When he saw him approach, Harry pushed his way into the entry so Malfoy stumbled right into him. 

“What on earth are you doing, Potter? Get out of my-” Draco stopped mid sentence to stare up at the other man. Harry couldn’t help to but notice that Malfoy was staring at his head. 

“I changed my hair, do you like it?” Harry asked with a smile. He knew it was different, but everyone had always said that his mop of hair was abysmal.

Draco stared for a few seconds longer, weighing his will of ignore the git against desire of to insult him. “Well, I don’t go around thinking about how you look, Potter, but now that you ask, it looks awful. I mean, what have you done? Just cropped it all off like a bloody officer? I must say, the shape of your head is most comical.”

He saw Potter’s eyes widen and take on a hurt look. Now that was something he had missed, Draco thought. “Now Bugger off, Potter!”

Harry summoned his pride and stalked out of the shop. That had obviously not helped. He had a desire to end this little ‘project’ of his before making an even bigger fool of himself, but then again, how he had missed that snarky tone of Malfoy’s, and that smirk! Oh, how he wanted to erase that smirk with his own lips! ‘Well, on to step two,’ Harry said to himself.

Harry had to wait for the day to end before consulting the book again. He also noted to himself to bring it to work with him the next time. This waiting was insufferable, and what was he supposed to do about his hair and the ‘comical head-shape’?

When he finally read it, he did it with a groan. _Chapter 2: STYLE- To look appealing at all times._ This one, he needed help with. 

Harry showed up in front of his friends’ house a moment later.

“Hey, mate, can I borrow your wife a bit?” 

Ron just stared at him. 

“Yes, I know the hair looks ridiculous, let’s get past it and let me in, will you?” 

Ron obeyed, calling, “Honey, do you still have that hair-growing potion you made for George the other month?”

Hermione came out to the hall. “Yes, but what would you ne-” 

“Better not to ask just yet.” Ron said, closing the door. 

Thankfully, the hair grew back instantly and Harry could ask for that second favor. 

“Hermione, can you come with me and look for clothes? I need help.”

Once the plan was explained to Hermione, she was more than willing to help; she was as well tormented by Harry’s constant obsession with Malfoy, even though she didn’t have to work with him. Harry thought that Hermione was the closest thing to fashion help he could get in so little time and the evening went by easier than expected. 

Things didn’t go as expected the next morning, of course.

Harry stalked Malfoy again so they would bump into each other and when he saw Malfoy coming his way, he held his breath, hoping to get noticed.

Draco saw Potter on the other side of the atrium, dressed as a… Yes, what was he dressed like? He didn’t even try hiding the smirk on his lips as he looked at Potter and shook his head. Whatever he was trying to change in his life was obviously not working. Thank Merlin he found a potion for that hair, though, Draco thought, passing him.

Harry saw Malfoy’s bemused look and understood that even this had failed. 

***

Step three was something Harry did think he could do well. _Chapter 3: COMPLIMENTS- Notice the finer things about your partner._ After all, Harry did think about many nice things to say to Malfoy. He liked quite a lot about the other man. 

Harry was, yet again, positioned in the atrium, waiting for Malfoy. This time, he was hiding behind a plant, waiting to catch Malfoy in the lift. During the 24 minutes he stood there, Harry thought that, even though it didn’t feel like it, there was indeed a difference between a stalker and someone who just was persistent. 

Then Harry finally had his chance. Leaping in front of the cue, he managed to squeeze into the lift with Malfoy. 

Potter was staring at him. Draco could feel his gaze on his face the entire time. What was wrong with the guy? Had someone hit him with a curse leaving him odd, or more odd than usual, in the head? Three floors later, Draco had to say something. He sighed and turned his head. 

“Potter, is there a reason why you are staring at me?”

Potter looked flustered. 

“Er, well, I just wanted to say you look really pretty today.”

Draco couldn’t believe him. To stand here in front of people he worked with, saying he was pretty like a little schoolgirl. Yes, Draco looked damn good and knew it, but he was not under any circumstances _pretty._ How dare Potter?

Instead of looking pleased and appreciated, Malfoy got a rigid look on his face and his eyes hardened. Harry couldn’t really understand what he’d done wrong, but he felt himself flush due to embarrassment so he pushed the button and fled out of the lift as soon as he could, sadly accepting another defeat. 

***

Harry knew his attempts were going badly. He wasn’t sure what he was doing wrong, but he knew that he was not successfully courting Draco Malfoy. 

He decided to do something big. Add a bunch of steps into one huge one. That couldn’t go wrong. Harry read ahead. _Chapter 4: FLOWERS- A perfect way to show your intentions, Chapter 5: SWEETS- Something sweet for your sweetie and at last Chapter 6: GIFTS- Show that you can be thoughtful._

What could Malfoy want? Well, flowers were pretty unanimous throughout the world and societies. Sweets were something Harry knew Malfoy liked after all those times he’d seen him in Hogwarts with a new parcel from home full with sweets. That only left gifts. Harry only assumed that Malfoy would like any reason to get a gift, so this step could not fail.

Around 10 am on Tuesday, an owl pecked relentlessly on Draco’s office window.  
It was carrying a large package that caught his interest. Draco had not sent for anything. Inside was a box of fairly expensive chocolates, a yellow plant- Draco had no idea what it was- and a stuffed dragon. There was also a note.

_Dear Draco,_

_You might not be expecting this, but I have tried to contact you in several ways. You do know me, but I prefer not to say at the moment. All you have to know now is that I hope to be your man. I thought that you might like some things that made me think of you. I know you like chocolates, and you are damn hot eating them too. I hope you like these. There’s also a plant for you; I don’t know why, but they say you are supposed to bring flowers to the one you are trying to woo. At last there is something that always makes me think about you. At least I’m hoping you want to be my little dragon some day._

_Love, H._

Draco didn’t know what to think. Who was ‘H’? And more important, who seriously thought that Draco wanted this as gifts? A plant? That was totally girly and would not be tended to enough to live. Okay, maybe chocolate was a good gift, but a stuffed dragon? That was a gift for a five-year old and the pun with his name was an utter cliché. 

Draco leaned back in his chair and enjoyed the aroma of the chocolate. It was sweet and tempting and Draco bit into the piece with delight. 

‘Wait, what is this?’ Draco said out loud. This chocolate was filled with pomegranate, something Draco was highly allergic to. He barely made it out to the receptionist, telling someone to call a healer before he blacked out.

He woke up some time later on the couch in his office. The healer, who’d arrived in the meantime said it was only a minor reaction and that he didn’t need to spend any time at St. Mungo’s. Draco was feeling off nonetheless. Who was ‘H’ and why did he send crappy gifts to him? Most importantly, why did he want to court Draco? This had to be cleared up. 

Harry found out from a coworker how his latest attempt had failed as well, and even worse, had hurt Malfoy. Couldn’t he do anything right? Maybe he should just follow Hermione’s suggestion and be honest with Malfoy, even though he’d probably end up hitting Harry.

With a little luck, the next step could work in that way. _Chapter 7: TALK- Find some common ground._ Well, if there was something Harry knew it was that he and Malfoy had a lot of history. If that didn’t work, he had to take the next step and do as Hermione said. _Chapter 8: DATE- Take the plunge and ask for a date._

The next day, Harry knocked on Malfoy’s office door. He was nervous and had almost decided to walk away when the door opened. 

“Potter, to what do I owe this unwanted surprise?” Draco drawled. 

“Oh, I was just thinking and thought I should say hello,” Harry stuttered. “I mean I was thinking about you, or more accurately about our schooldays. You remember them? The Quidditch? You never seemed to be able to beat me, were you?” Harry laughed out.

Draco couldn’t believe this. Was Potter serious? Had he actually come to his office to reminding him that Draco had never once beaten him at Quidditch, or anything else at school? That had been ages ago, Draco was an adult now – he’d moved on, and Potter, well, he clearly hadn’t. 

Draco saw red. “Leave this office now and don’t come back! I don’t understand why you’re trying to provoke me like this. Move on with your life, because I have!”

Malfoy almost looked hurt and Harry didn’t know what he’d done wrong here again.

Harry groaned and wrung his hands up in his hair. “I can’t do anything right, can I?”

“What on earth are you talking about, Potter?”

Harry decided that it was far too risky telling Draco the complete truth about his feelings. Perhaps something humorous would work. 

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.”

Draco just gaped.

“Come on, Malfoy. I promise to quit bugging you if you just go out with me,” Harry pleaded.

Draco thought quickly. This Potter nonsense was infuriating. 

“If you promise to leave me alone after that. One dinner, my choice, home and back, alone, in two hours.”

“I’ll take that!” Harry beamed. 

***

Harry was late! As in really fucking late! 

Draco had informed Potter which restaurant he was expecting him at later that night. He himself had of course been there ten minutes early, but had now been sitting there for over 30. Draco hadn’t expected Potter being tardy, since he was the one wanting this dinner. Draco himself only had agreed to this to get Potter out of his way and to tell him he wasn’t interested in this courting business. 

Yes, Draco had reluctantly understood that Potter was ‘H’ and that he’d been acting stranger than usual just to get his attention and to woo him. Even the thought of that made Draco shudder. Potter was uncultivated and impulsive, there was no way Draco would be able to keep sane with that whirlwind in his life. Although Draco had to admit that he was fit, the bugger. Anyway, this dinner was for telling Potter ‘Thank you, but no thanks’. 

Draco was starting to worry that he’d been stood up, however. The time was ticking and there was no Potter in sight. Was Draco being set up here? Had Potter plotted this little scenario as a way of publicly humiliating Draco?

Just when he was pondering to leave, he saw a disheveled Potter enter the restaurant. 

“I’m so sorry, Draco, I’m bloody late. I was ready to leave in my flat, but then I was second guessing what to wear and then I just tried it all and it looked like shit. I just ran from there now, I live a two minute jog from here, you see. That’s why I’m late and I’m sorry for letting you just sit here, I didn’t know if you had a phone on you. Er… so, want to order now or are you angry with me and want to leave.? I will understand either way, I just…”

“Stop babbling like a maniac, Potter, I’m here, aren’t I?” Draco spat out. “Now let’s order so we can have this atrocity out of the way.” He noticed Potter actually looked stunned by his words but continued nonetheless. “I didn’t mean it is that bad, but you did make me wait for over 30 minutes at a fully seated restaurant. Let’s just get our food and see if that lightens up the mood, okay?”

Harry was feeling terrible being late and it was obviously clear that saying it wouldn’t help him. Thankfully, Harry had read ahead in the book and the chapters were well suited for a formal date. _Chapter 9: DATE ETTIQUETTE- Be a proper gentleman._ Harry knew how to do this.

“Let me do this,” Harry said as the waiter got to their table. “I’ll have the Lasagna and my date will have the Seafood Pasta. We’ll also take a bottle of the House’s red.”

“What makes you think you can order for me, Potter? And don’t call me your date.”

“But you are…” Harry stammered out. “You agreed to go out with me. After I made it clear what my intentions were.”

“That’s actually why I came here tonight, Potter. You said you would stop following me if I went out with you and it was a good opportunity to tell you that I’m not looking for anything like that.” Draco had to bite his tongue before taking it all back after the look Potter gave him. “You are just not my type and we would go horribly together. We wouldn’t fit, can’t you see that? When have we ever spent ten minutes together without wanting to punch each other? These last weeks also proved that you are not a person I would really like.”

“Now,” Harry said solemnly. 

“Excuse me, Potter?” Draco said.

“Now is a time we’ve spent more than ten minutes together not wanting to punch each other,” Harry continued. “I can’t make you do anything, so I won’t push you. I just want to know how you know that you wouldn’t want to be with me.” Harry sighed. “Just forget it, I don’t want to know. I’ll just leave, okay?”

“Wait, Potter,” Draco said, reaching out over the table. “I said I’d share a meal with you, so just stay. Our food is almost here at any rate.”

They got their food and started eating. In a matter of seconds, Draco had to stop what he was doing to look at Potter. “What the bloody hell are you doing?” Draco exclaimed. “Were you raised by wolves? First you go all caveman on me and choose my food and now you’re eating it like a fucking slob. Don’t you know how to behave yourself in public, Potter?” 

Harry could only stare at Draco. The etiquette was obviously failing. He excused himself to get to the restroom. He had the book in his pocket and even though Draco had said there wouldn’t be anything between them, he still had hopes that this night would change his mind. Harry could hope, couldn’t he?

Harry groaned at the next chapter. This was clearly going to fail anyway. _Chapter 10: DANCING- Show your romantic side._ Harry just had to go out and try his best. ‘Damn book’.

Draco saw Potter come back, but he looked like he’d lost his best friend. What could have happened? He approached Draco and held out his hand. 

“May I have this dance?”

Draco was still. Dance? He didn’t really think that was Potter’s scene. Would it be considered rude to deny him this? Draco did say he could have this night. 

“Very well, Potter, let’s go and have this dance.” 

It was a disaster, an utter disaster, Harry concluded. He was stiff and gangly and stepped on Draco’s feet continuously. Harry saw Draco’s discomfort and couldn’t really understand why he didn’t call it quits. 

‘I guess he really is one of the good ones after all,’ Harry pondered.

Draco noticed Potter look at him tenderly- why did that affect him like this? 

The song ended and there was not really any food to return to. 

“Let’s get you home,” Harry sighed. 

The walk didn’t take so long. Apparently they lived just a few blocks from each other. Even though Draco knew it wasn’t a real date, he still got a bit tingly when they reached his door. 

“Thank you for this evening, Potter. Even though it wasn’t really what you’d hoped for.”

All Harry could think of was the upcoming chapter in his book. _Chapter 11: KISSING- Don’t forget the kiss goodnight_. Harry knew Draco didn’t want this, didn’t want him, but still… Did he have a chance or was that the hope living on? If Harry knew one thing, it was that he didn’t want to have any regrets. He needed to show Draco how much he wanted this. Harry leaned in to take Draco’s lips.

Draco saw Potter lean forward. For a moment he thought about stepping out of the way, but the insistent butterflies in him deserved to get something, didn’t they?

Draco held his breath and let Potter kiss him. The first touch sent a shiver through him, but that was it. Potter’s lips engulfed his and he forced his way in with his overactive tongue. The kiss was hard, but in a bad way. Potter was rough and tactless and kissing him like he was punishing Draco for something. Potter groaned and moaned in his mouth while his hands pressed Draco hard against his body. This was the worst kiss in Draco’s life!

Draco shoved Potter away with all his might. “Can’t you do anything right, Potter?” he spluttered before entering his hallway, leaving a bewildered Potter alone in front of the building.

‘Can’t you do anything right, Potter?’ rang through Harry’s ears. 

No, apparently Harry couldn’t do anything right at all.

***

Harry wanted to burn that bloody book. Or throw it in Ron’s face for suggesting it. Maybe you couldn’t just cross out the word ‘Witch’ and use it on a wizard. Or you just couldn’t use it on a bloody Malfoy. Either way, the book was history.

Harry was on the way to throw it in the fire when he thought about the last chapter. He hadn’t tried them all, so what if the last one actually worked? Harry had to at least try it.

_Chapter 12: HONESTY- Don’t play games, say how you really feel._ If Harry failed at this too, he knew he wouldn’t have another chance at the man. Draco would probably not accept to talk to Harry, but a letter would maybe have a chance. Harry was not smooth with words and the thought of actually putting his feelings on paper scared the shit out of him. The only way this might not fail was to be honest, open and himself, something he hadn’t been in a while.

Draco was woken up at dawn by an incisive noise. 

“Bloody owl, go away!” Draco shouted to the window. It did not help and eight minutes later, he accepted defeat and got out of bed to see what the ruckus was about. He remembered seeing this owl before. 

“Fucking Potter! So much for leaving me alone.” 

Even though he wanted to incinerate the letter, he did want to know what the git wanted to say to him. Like the last weeks hadn’t been crazy enough. 

_Dear Draco,_

_I know there is little chance you are going to read this, but I owe it to both of us to tell you this, or at least try._

_Firstly I want to apologize a million times and even more for what I have put you through. I’ve watched you, followed you and done everything I could to somehow get your attention. Somehow, I might have thought that if you only saw me often enough you would fall for me the same way I have fallen for you. That was a childish and a bit pig-headed thought._

_I know it takes more than that to make a connection, especially for us._

_I want you to know that you were right last night, in everything you said. We do have a complicated past and it takes hard work to overcome that. Even if we did end up together I’m sure there would be fiery quarrels with shouting, insults and threats of bodily harm to both of us and anything else that happens to be in the immediate surroundings. But I am okay with that. It’s something that makes us who we are. We push each other’s buttons._

_But more than that, I believe that we can love as fierce as we fight._

_You also said I’m not a person you would really like. I know that you felt like that in school and I must say that people change, furthermore, the personality I’ve shown lately is not like me at all. You see, it all started with my, well, people call it an obsession but I say crush, on you. I came here every day seeing a different man in you, a man that I would want to know._

_You are also sexy as hell and that’s not bad, even though it’s not the most important thing._

_I’m not good at dating, to be honest. And I’ve never ever tried to court someone. I admit I failed. I tried dating tips from a self-help book and it made me act different in the hope that you would like me better. If you want, I can tell you what I tried to do. It was grooming, gifting and how to act to get a date, among other things. I know I can be a bit pathetic, but I had to do something. You were driving me mad, ignoring all my attempts to come near you and I just wanted a chance to be with you, to get to know you, to show you I’ve changed as much as you have._

_Maybe I went the wrong way, but what would you have said if I had just asked you out?_

_I know I’ve acted badly, not to mention the dinner last night. I just wanted it to be a date so bad and I wanted you to want it too. You did make it clear what it was to you. I had no right to kiss you, I just tried everything that might have changed your mind about me. Now I’m afraid it did the opposite, making sure you’ll never give me another chance._

_I am truly sorry I kissed you, and for getting out of control once I’ve tasted you. I wanted more in any way possible. You are addictive, Draco Malfoy._

_Am I too out of line to ask you for another chance? I want you to be able to get to know the real me, not the version of me that I thought you might like._

_With Love,  
Harry Potter_

Draco sighed. “That bloody wanker is going to be the death of me someday.” 

***

Harry never went to sleep that night. After spending hours of brooding and pacing, he decided to take the last advice in the book and send a letter to Draco. Harry was trying to explain what he’d done wrong and even begged for another chance but there was really no way of knowing if Draco would even open the thing.

There was a fierce knock on the door and to Harry’s surprise Draco was at the door. Draco looked almost angry at him and Harry had no idea what to even say.

Did he somehow screw up the last step too with that letter?

“I…” Draco started. “I came to tell you that you are an utter fool and if you were a pet you’d have been put to sleep a long time ago.”

Harry pouted. “That’s really not nice to say, Draco.”

“Ah, don’t look like that. Do you know that I hold in my hand a written confession of stalking? That’s an offense, Potter. Also, I did not give you permission to use my birth name.”

“Well, excuse me, your highness, but can you just say what you came to say and go?” Harry was not in the mood to be further humiliated. 

Harry noticed Draco getting a pretty little blush on his cheeks when he said, “I came to tell you that you are an insufferable git, but unfortunately for me, I find you endearing. 

Harry didn’t know what to say. “Wha…”

“Just shut up and stay still. Don’t do anything,” Draco interrupted.

Harry saw Draco approach him slowly, putting a hand on his chest. He had to draw in a breath when he saw Draco wet his lips and come closer. The feeling of Draco’s lips was better than Harry remembered. The kiss was slow and intimate. Harry shuddered and moaned into Draco’s mouth.

“Easy, tiger, you’ll get more if you play your cards right,” Draco purred, smirking. “Just promise me that you’ll never, ever, under any circumstances, try to court someone again. Spare the world, and the poor guy, that debacle.”

Harry smiled with warmth that seeped into Draco.

“I don’t intend to,” Harry said, stroking back a lock of Draco’s hair. “You see, I already have everything I could ever want.”

**Author's Note:**

> Written for The H/D Cockbook 2011


End file.
